Christmas just isn't the same this year because our family has been torn apart. We have all gone our separate ways in different parts of the country. I'm not feeling very thankful or festive. I don't feel the Christmas spirit or the true joy of Christmas. Seeing everyone so happy just makes the pain and loneliness feel worse because it's just not the way it's supposed to be. There are still hurt feelings, forgiveness, trying to be supportive and make up for the past, unforgiveness, tension, pain, distance, broken hearts, bitterness, division, differences of opinion on several key topics, silence, losing touch, lonely, depressed, missing hugs, missing the fun times and the good talks, family members that have passed, that have moved away, starting over in a new place, new beginnings, mourning, healing, recovering, forgiving, but not forgetting, learning how to cope and move on after closing the end of a book and starting a new chapter in a brand new book and learning how to live again, learning how to trust God, how to depend on God, learning about who I am and my new identity as myself. I am no longer a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a leader, a teacher, a counselor... My identity is not based on the work that I do, on the relationships that I have or don't have, on the volunteer work that I do to serve, no I found that out when all of that was taken away, little by little, and I was just sitting crying, bawling, completely overwhelmed with all of the pain that was so utterly unbearable because I couldn't understand. But when I cried out to God in my sobbing, He would give me just this little golden nugget of a thought that came into my heart that made sense somehow and gave me a small sense of peace and comfort when I was in such pain and torture just a moment ago, so that could only be God taking care of me when I needed Him the most. I have to remember that Christmas is not about all the stuff, it's about remembering that God loves me so much that He sent His Son Jesus. Since Jesus, being God and human, understands and can fully empathize with what I've been going through, that is the best reason to celebrate His birth. It doesn't matter about what decorations you put up or don't put up, the number of presents you didn't get or the quality of presents that you gave, or the number of likes you got on social media. I was so depressed and crying when I prayed, but God reminded me that Jesus paid the price and took my place willingly and for that He should be worshipped, honored, and adored. All of the nonsense, the pursuit of happiness, and holiday traditions that go with it are just to help us remind us to stop and remember God's miracles, thank Him for his many blessings, and to pray for His true gift of joy.
